Tuesday, April 17, 2018
I have done the most... Out of character unparty-girlish thing i could have ever done.... I bought a house (dun dun duuuuuun). Yes I have secured a domestic prison of my own making. I have no idea why.... Or better yet yes I do know why. Because as much as i miss party girl me, she had no stability. For the most part she lived out of a duffel bag and where ever she laid her head was her home for that night. Sure it was fun and whimsical and I didn't have any bills or responsibility but eventually I began to crave some place to call home. I would walk into other peoples houses and it would be so nicely decorated and all I could ever think about was the fact that I never got to decorate anything. Even my bedrooms always stayed blank when I had one....Also something else party girl me lacked was history. I never realized until someone told me. I went on a few dates with this amazing guy I met in Detroit he was funny smart and sweet, with dark chocolate skin and a killer bright white thousand watt smile. After our third or fourth date he told me couldn't go out any more. he said to me "Honey , you are sweet and smart and sexy as hell but I can't do this." And i asked do what? "I can't be with you I can't get attached to you." And I asked why not. "Because you're a flight risk, you said yourself you haven't stayed in one city longer then 8 months since you were 16. I Don't want to get attached to you, I don't want to fall for you I don't want to love you only for you to decide you've had enough and I wake up one day and have to find out from your Facebook feed that you're on the other side of the country. You're a girl with no past no history no roots and yea that seems fun and exciting sexy and mysterious, but it always leaves the questions where did you come from? how long will you be here? and where will you go next?" That was kind of a kick in the face for me because everything that this guy said was true. I really hadn't stayed any where longer then 8 months and by the time you learned my last name it was only to add me on Facebook because I was leaving for my next destination. It was finally then that I thought it might be time for my rolling duffel bag and I to come to a rest. I've been in the Metro Atlanta area for 4 years now and that the longest I can remember being anywhere. Its hard though the wanderlust still lurks just beneath the surface every time my fiance angers me I can feel my hand hanging over the metaphorical buy button on a one way ticket to Atlantic city. What he doesn't know is that there is always an emergency suitcase packed in the back of the closet just in case...... I don't know if I'll ever actually use it but its a comforting feeling to know if it came down to it I could slip away in the middle of the night like old times.
I know its been forever since I posted.... Years... I dont even know where to start. I supposed you can say my life has gotten better, in the way that I'm no longer a sex crazed 21 year old falling for every man who gives me a lusty look. But in a while I feel like it has gotten worse. I turn 25 years old in 2 months and 4 days. And I'm missing myself. Not the me I am now, But the silly, fun, reckless me from my earlier posts. The girl who was easily enamored with accents and physical appearance, the girl who believed that sweet nothings a man whispered in her ear who couldn't diferentiate between pillow talk and real feelings. I miss that me. Why? Because that me was innocent and led by emotion because that me was free spirited and didn't plan the next day she just let it happen. No here I am locked down in a committed relationship, I'm supposed to be getting married in August. The day grows closer and I'm scared. I know I love this guy but I miss the excitement my life carried so much. I live in a bubble now I go to work I come home I cook I clean I make love to him we talk about our day. Rinse and repeat. I have ducstody of my 15 year old sister now, so I have to atleast pretend to be a responsible adult. Is it bad that sometimes I don't want to? I mean sure sometimes I dont mind being holly home maker and I can be proud of the cute little stepford wife life that I have meticulously put together. But other times I crave the me that I use to be. Other times I'm dieing for my party girl side to RISE UP FROM THE DEPTHS LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES SIMULTANEOUSLY BURNING THE WIFELY LIFE DOWN. I long to make a come back in a blaze of glory, in an amazing pulse of debauchery and sin the likes the world has never seen. But I digress. Sure I'd like to do all of these things but instead I'm going to go home cook my Fiance soup for his cold, help my sister with her homework, read a book and I'll be asleep by 10:30 pm. See like I said Rinse and repeat.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Read the title of this post.... Its a lie!!! lies lies lies all lies!!!! There are great reasons to take love advice from people who seem to be eternally single. 1) single people are experts on what not to do. Obviously we have done things your ought not which is exactly why were single, if its one thing i can give you an entire list on it would be what not to do. 2)As a single person for some odd reason all of our happily tied down friends use as an impartial ear to vent to there fore our days are spent listening to other peoples relationship problems. so we become experts on what every one else is doing wrong too. Onne thing i've done as a single person is read a lot of romance novels and a lot of single women do I like to consider myself somewhat of an expert on romance. These are just a few reasons to take love advice from single people but trust me there are a lot more.
Monday, April 27, 2015
So that was it I kicked that unfulfilling loser to the curb but it ended in tears and him taking my car but nevertheless he's gone. So I cried and who else did i call? Benji the european playboy. So he showed up late at night it was like 3am like a dark knight in shinning armor and that night there was something about him, something more alluring then normal. And I tried to resist him i was lieing on the bed talking to him with tears running down my face, i guess he couldnt stand to see me cry. he pulled me into his arms and wiped away my tears, and it was something about that, being pressed against his chest the smell of his cologne invading my senses the feel of him surrounding me...... I completely lost it, next thing I know we were on the bed and my clothes were on the floor. and his lips were on my neck touching feeling kissing I was consumed by his passion. I mean benji has turned me on before but never like this. To feel him like this all over me I just couldnt get enough. (not to mention I had ben imagining having sex with him for the better part of 2 months now...... it was ... all around amazing. I started off on top with his hands locked on my hips and the suprised look on his face stroked my ego while the rest of me stroked his.... well you know. Then all hell broke lose when he flipped me on to my back he grabbed my thighs and lifted them high into the air and pushed so deep he connected with that spot instantly and i lost all train of intelligent thought ant the only thing i could think to say was yes don't stop.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Ok so I always thought that the whole point of having a man live with you and sleep next to you every day was so that you wouldn't have to go far for pleasure.... well I mean I know thats not the whole point but come on I'm 21 I'm freaken hormonal. And Heres the problem I'm engaged.... I mean the problem isnt that I'mm engaged its that my fiance is... well he's..... he always wants to make love. I mean like he just wants to be soft and sweet and gentle and thats not what i want. Not what I need. I crave domination, I crave that overpowering feeling that helplessness and he just doesnt give it to me. i want rough sex, I want to be spanked and man handled and choked and he wants to do missionary and kiss me and dont get me wrong I'm not against the slow sweet love makin but can some one please give this man a copy of fifty shades of grey!
Theres one man at my sucky job that stands out above the rest.... That would be Benji The european playboy. Benji is a five foot 9 gorgeous african -italian, sweet talkin, charismatic, flirtatious embodiment of sexuality. And I mean every word of that. Imagine a semi- tall dark rugged sexy guy with a great build and I walked that says "I know i'm sexy. He has a smile that will make your heart skip a beat and a velvety smooth voice that will leave your panties wet. He says naughty things that will catch you off guard and just his presence will keep you horny. i love and absolutely hate the affect he has on me. It drives me crazy... no I've never done anything with benji but that doesnt mean he doesn't affect me. I think he might affect me more then anyone else. Benji and I spend a lot of time around each other we eat lunch together and hang out together on breaks and yes he affects me but I would never admit it. Benji Makes me fucking melt especoially when hes close to me i feel hot and wet and primal... but of course I'd never tell him that. Remember those naughty girl tendencies I was talking about? Benji sends those into over drive.
I like to think of my self as a good person, I always have and then.... theres that naughty girl feeling. Its somthing that I can't shake something that I've always have had a problem with. I'm a good girl i just have........ thoughts .... naughty thoughts sometimes I mean. Im fucking 21 and surrounded by men most of the day what else do you really expect not to mention I'm the youngest woman in the plant where I work so the air is thick with dirty sexual inuendo from the older men who crave a young just above legal girl like me. Sometimes I can't help the thoughts that run thru my mind, I mean I never act on it but with all the testosterone in the room oh the thoughts I can't help it some times... does that make me a terrible person?