Tuesday, April 17, 2018
I have done the most... Out of character unparty-girlish thing i could have ever done.... I bought a house (dun dun duuuuuun). Yes I have secured a domestic prison of my own making. I have no idea why.... Or better yet yes I do know why. Because as much as i miss party girl me, she had no stability. For the most part she lived out of a duffel bag and where ever she laid her head was her home for that night. Sure it was fun and whimsical and I didn't have any bills or responsibility but eventually I began to crave some place to call home. I would walk into other peoples houses and it would be so nicely decorated and all I could ever think about was the fact that I never got to decorate anything. Even my bedrooms always stayed blank when I had one....Also something else party girl me lacked was history. I never realized until someone told me. I went on a few dates with this amazing guy I met in Detroit he was funny smart and sweet, with dark chocolate skin and a killer bright white thousand watt smile. After our third or fourth date he told me couldn't go out any more. he said to me "Honey , you are sweet and smart and sexy as hell but I can't do this." And i asked do what? "I can't be with you I can't get attached to you." And I asked why not. "Because you're a flight risk, you said yourself you haven't stayed in one city longer then 8 months since you were 16. I Don't want to get attached to you, I don't want to fall for you I don't want to love you only for you to decide you've had enough and I wake up one day and have to find out from your Facebook feed that you're on the other side of the country. You're a girl with no past no history no roots and yea that seems fun and exciting sexy and mysterious, but it always leaves the questions where did you come from? how long will you be here? and where will you go next?" That was kind of a kick in the face for me because everything that this guy said was true. I really hadn't stayed any where longer then 8 months and by the time you learned my last name it was only to add me on Facebook because I was leaving for my next destination. It was finally then that I thought it might be time for my rolling duffel bag and I to come to a rest. I've been in the Metro Atlanta area for 4 years now and that the longest I can remember being anywhere. Its hard though the wanderlust still lurks just beneath the surface every time my fiance angers me I can feel my hand hanging over the metaphorical buy button on a one way ticket to Atlantic city. What he doesn't know is that there is always an emergency suitcase packed in the back of the closet just in case...... I don't know if I'll ever actually use it but its a comforting feeling to know if it came down to it I could slip away in the middle of the night like old times.
I know its been forever since I posted.... Years... I dont even know where to start. I supposed you can say my life has gotten better, in the way that I'm no longer a sex crazed 21 year old falling for every man who gives me a lusty look. But in a while I feel like it has gotten worse. I turn 25 years old in 2 months and 4 days. And I'm missing myself. Not the me I am now, But the silly, fun, reckless me from my earlier posts. The girl who was easily enamored with accents and physical appearance, the girl who believed that sweet nothings a man whispered in her ear who couldn't diferentiate between pillow talk and real feelings. I miss that me. Why? Because that me was innocent and led by emotion because that me was free spirited and didn't plan the next day she just let it happen. No here I am locked down in a committed relationship, I'm supposed to be getting married in August. The day grows closer and I'm scared. I know I love this guy but I miss the excitement my life carried so much. I live in a bubble now I go to work I come home I cook I clean I make love to him we talk about our day. Rinse and repeat. I have ducstody of my 15 year old sister now, so I have to atleast pretend to be a responsible adult. Is it bad that sometimes I don't want to? I mean sure sometimes I dont mind being holly home maker and I can be proud of the cute little stepford wife life that I have meticulously put together. But other times I crave the me that I use to be. Other times I'm dieing for my party girl side to RISE UP FROM THE DEPTHS LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES SIMULTANEOUSLY BURNING THE WIFELY LIFE DOWN. I long to make a come back in a blaze of glory, in an amazing pulse of debauchery and sin the likes the world has never seen. But I digress. Sure I'd like to do all of these things but instead I'm going to go home cook my Fiance soup for his cold, help my sister with her homework, read a book and I'll be asleep by 10:30 pm. See like I said Rinse and repeat.