Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Its been forever

I know its been forever since I posted.... Years... I dont even know where to start. I supposed you can say my life has gotten better, in the way that I'm no longer a sex crazed 21 year old falling for every man who gives me a lusty look. But in a while I feel like it has gotten worse. I turn 25 years old in 2 months and 4 days. And I'm missing myself. Not the me I am now, But the silly, fun, reckless me from my earlier posts. The girl who was easily enamored with accents and physical appearance, the girl who believed that sweet nothings a man whispered in her ear who couldn't diferentiate between pillow talk and real feelings. I miss that me. Why? Because that me was innocent and led by emotion because that me was free spirited and didn't plan the next day she just let it happen. No here I am locked down in a committed relationship, I'm supposed to be getting married in August. The day grows closer and I'm scared. I know I love this guy but I miss the excitement my life carried so much. I live in a bubble now I go to work I come home I cook I clean I make love to him we talk about our day. Rinse and repeat. I have ducstody of my 15 year old sister now, so I have to atleast pretend to be a responsible adult. Is it bad that sometimes I don't want to? I mean sure sometimes I dont mind being holly home maker and I can be proud of the cute little stepford wife life that I have meticulously put together. But other times I crave the me that I use to be. Other times I'm dieing for my party girl side to RISE UP FROM THE DEPTHS LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES SIMULTANEOUSLY BURNING THE WIFELY LIFE DOWN. I long to make a come back in a blaze of glory, in an amazing pulse of debauchery and sin the likes the world has never seen. But I digress. Sure I'd like to do all of these things but instead I'm going to go home cook my Fiance soup for his cold, help my sister with her homework, read a book and I'll be asleep by 10:30 pm. See like I said Rinse and repeat.

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